1. First of all, you have to go through the whole charade of whether or not you’re going to get a bottle for the table

“Will we get a bottle for the table?”

“I don’t know… should we?”

We all know you’re getting the bottle. Stop pretending otherwise.

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2. You’ll enquire about the availability of a carafe…

Until eventually deciding that it just makes more economic sense to get the bottle.

AREN’T WE AWFUL BOLD?

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3. Of course you will order the second cheapest wine on the menu

Lest anyone suspect you’re an awful cheapskate.

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4. Unless it’s a particularly lean month in which case you’ll just have to act like you actually just really like the House Red, thank you very much

“Oh, you have to try the house red. It’s my favourite.”

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5. God help you if you ask the waiter for his recommendation, though

You: “What do you recommend?”

Waiter: “Well, there’s a very robust Argentinian Malbec which I’m a great fan of or there’s a playful Shiraz that’s to die for.”

You, sweating because you know f**k all about wine: “I’ll have the… first one?”

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6. Of course, when the waiter offers you the chance to taste the wine, you have no real feedback to offer

“Yes, that tastes fine to me. And I have an extremely educated palate.*”

* = You think that €7.99 wine tastes “grand, actually”. 

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7. You’re always fierce disappointed when they only fill the glass up less than halfway…

Fill her up there, sonny boy.

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8. But once his back is turned, you’ll take matters into your own hands anyway

Much better.

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9. Finally, you can sit back and relax

Bliss.